Star Wars™: Jedi Knight™: Jedi Academy™

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DISCLAIMER: Star Wars™  and all related indica are property of Disney™. All rights reserved. By reading this disclaimer you agree that Disney™

owns your soul and any future souls you may acquire. All hail the monolith.

Yes, my video got a copyright strike for the music, and yes I’m mad about it. I’m bitter, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

To preface- this is the wrong game. You see, I intended to buy
Star Wars™: Jedi Knight™: Jedi Outcast™,

as I remembered my brother playing it back in the day and wanted to see if it was any good, only to be confused by the severn or eight different games with the same name. Still, reviews said it was Overwhelmingly Positive, so I thought I’d give it a go.

Neophyte jedi™

Jaden Korr accidentally built herself a lightsaber one day, so Luke Skywalker™

recruits her to train at his magic space temple. (Listen, the extended lore of this series is absurd; I offer it no reverence at all.) On her way there, a nefarious evil wizard shoots down her airship and she is stranded with only her magic sword and Josh Penis, another wizard in training.

After somehow being killed by a falling tree as seen in the screenshot above, we made our way to a short and woefully inadequate tutorial mission before being thrust into the real grind- dogsbody work for the mage’s council.

We went to the rubbish desert planet where the game finally showed off it’s true weaknesses- the combat is pretty awful. Perhaps there is an art to lightsaber combat, but flailing around seemed to be just as successful as anything masterful, while the guns feel terribly lacklustre. Shots have no impact, landing limply as though I’d just thrown a particularly comfortable pillow at the enemy.  I was often unsure if my attacks were even hitting or not, to the point that I genuinely couldn’t tell my sniper rifle was too short range to hit from the distance I was firing it.

Force powers are just as flimsy, with a barely noticeable warping effect followed by a delayed response from the target. Again, part of a puzzle was to use Force Pull to operate a crane, but there was such a disconnect between using it and the result that I was left uncertain if my actions were actually what was causing it to move.

Fin™

or Bin™:

I’ve made it this far without a single slightly-altered Space Battles quote, which must be a reviewing first. Put your favourite one here, with one of the words swapped for “Bin”. We attempted several at the end of the stream, and they were all terrible.

(Steam)

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